September 2, 2013


Just so you know - It's way easier to pretend you're not drunk when you're not walking sideways across your apartment building courtyard, wearing a top hat.

Don't say I never taught you anything.

October 16, 2011

The World's Longest Job Interview

Three hours... I am not exaggerating. In fact, I am DISexaggerating, because it was actually 3.5 hours... Three and a half hours of talking about myself.

I did discover a few things though.

  1. I can talk about myself for about 2.5 hours before I sort of want to punch myself in the face.
  2. I can hold my pee for a really long time.
  3. Spanx is really uncomfortable.

September 7, 2011

Childhood snack food - RUINED!

The restroom at the food bank I volunteer at smells just like orange creamsicles... It's official! I'm never eating orange creamsicles again!

August 20, 2011

I can't get a pizza delivered, but I can get super drunk and roll the half-block home.

The best thing about my new apartment is, hands down, the proximity to gay bars. Also, I am not at all saddened by the propensity of gay men to buy me drinks, call me "gorgeous", and laugh at my jokes... And empathize with my newly recognized aging.

HA HA! Look at the new "fine lines" on my forehead! And you say "OY!" when you get out of bed in the morning too? And how about those younguns nowadays?! And what do you do to git those kids off your lawn?

I think I might never leave.

August 17, 2011

The Seattle Excessive Floor Area Museum.

You know you've moved to the Central District when you can no longer get pizza delivered. Because, OOH! My neighborhood is so scary! With its gay bars and its synagogue and its pie shop... And its (gasp!) black people.


You also know you've moved here when your apartment is now ENORMOUS. So enormous that the large amount of crap that used to fill every square foot of space now fills 0% of space. Observe.


Will you look at that? This living room has no personality. It's the Kristin Stewart of living rooms. Also, there is so much floor space I can hold Wii Just Dance parties in here and no one will fall over anything.


And this bedroom just wants to be alone.

Seriously. Someone needs to hire me immediately so I can get to buying more crap.

July 15, 2011

The one in which I will not address my absence. Trust me, all you missed was ennui followed by misanthropy followed by meh.

What happens when you get laid off:

Nothing. Nothing happens. Because it is super boring being laid off. Also, you start ironing your dish towels, cleaning your faucets with a toothbrush, and acting like you know the people on the TV.

What happens when you move to a ground floor apartment:

The sudden realization that you are gross. Everyone can see you with your bed-head, in your PJ's with the hole in it, eating bagels! Close your blinds!

What happens when you take Geriatric Mark to the bear bar by your new apartment:

He is his normal, affable self. He will sit there like, hey! This is totally normal for me, and I am not at all uncomfortable! His eyeballs will stay firmly planted inside his head and everything. And then you will leave. And then he will not know what to do with himself.

March 5, 2010

All my phone calls end in threats and insults.

My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: I am so going to kick your ass.

Me: You can't kick my ass. I'm a ninja!

My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: Ninjas have grace and agility. YOU ARE NOT A NINJA.

Me: What are you talking about? I have cat like reflexes!

My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: DEAD cat reflexes.

March 3, 2010

Culturally Oversensitive Teen

Me: Aww! Look at the Brownies!

Turdface: (Horrified) ... Mom! That's racist! They're called African Americans!

3 Other Things That Are Racist, According to Turdface

  1. Naming coconut cookies "Samoas".

  2. Tea baggers.

  3. Lucky Charms.

December 15, 2009

What's a bitch gotta do for some pak tong kou?


Is there some secret underground steamed rice cake speakeasy I don't know about? Has someone stolen all the old Chinese ladies and is keeping them locked up, forcing them to ferment rice and harvest pandanus leaves?

I cannot survive on donuts alone.

* This post could also be titled "What's a Bitch Gotta Do For Haw Flakes".

December 7, 2009

No. 2 (Not THAT No. 2, you boobs!)

This coffee tastes like pencil... I don't even eat pencils, and I know that this coffee tastes like pencil. It is PENCIL-ICIOUS.


Jennifer, 41, Seattle.
Likes buildings, boys, and booze (and now, boats). Able to operate power tools, smells like baked goods, can totally kick your ass.
Located here, started here, looks like this.


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