This morning, I woke up and said "Well, look at that... It's Boy's Day!"

Yes. That's right... I remember a Japanese national holiday, but I don't remember a day dedicated to drinking margaritas... WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?!?

This weekend, the flower sender took me to exotic Spokane, Washington for a party that involved a gas-powered blender with handles, karaoke (did not partake), and dancing like a ho (did partake). But I challenge anyone to resist when the song explicitly says that I can do that while still being a lady. CHALLENGE!!

And then I proceeded to grope a Yugoslavian right there in the middle of everyone... That is also very ladylike.

Also - Note... Spent 50 straight hours with a man (10 of those trapped in a car) and did not want to stab him. Actually. May just have wanted to hug him so hard, all his guts come out!

Twelve: If they rename the FREEDOM TOWER how will people know it's about freedom and not just capitalistic greed?

Me: They'll have to call it "This tower is not about capitalist greed". And the other tower can be named "Neither is this one".

Twelve: And the 3rd tower can be "This one implies freedom".

Me: Or "This is the one with the Dunkin Donuts". See? If they named towers like that, it would help you find out which tower they need to go in!

Twelve: Yes! Like "This one has Gold's Gym, a bank, and a bunch of douches in overpriced condos".

Me: They should totally rename the building at the end of my street "Chiropractor, dry cleaner, empty storefront".

This morning I found the following drunken message that I had left myself on my own damned phone:

?!?!?!!

Wow. Updating your resume and portfolio because even though you are full-time employed, and have enough work to keep you busy, you's is askeered! Because the uber-rich don't seem to want to keep spending money on enormous, frivolous, ridiculous things that keep girls who-draw-lines in dental insurance and webhosting.

But anyway! On to other news!

• My exasperating mother has a new boob! And, according to her, it has a prosthetic penis for a nipple!

• Words I don't ever want to hear my mother say: 1 - penis, 2 - nipple.

• I received a traffic infraction in the mail yesterday, complete with photographs... Of me MAKING A LEGAL RIGHT TURN. Seattle Municipal Court, you will be hearing from my attorney! Or just a very indignant me. Which is worse than my attorney! Because, did you read the indignant part? INDIGNANT!!

And I'm sure some other stuff happened while I was gluing pictures to card stock and bugging my old boss for a vaguely written recommendation; but I don't know what those things were. But I'm sure they were faaaabulous.

I had 2 pints adn a scooner... skooner... schooner... at lunch today and I FEEL FANTASTIC! I should totally do this morn often. nore moften. more often.

HA! DRUNK!

Despite very loud dissenting opinions, last night, I was successfully able to convince a friend to shove a teapot full of salt water up their nose... Mostly I did it by telling them how gross it is, and then demanding that they do it by pounding the table and yelling, "DO IT! DO IT!"

And then we talked about midgets and boobs, and then I screamed "I know you didn't just eat my FRY NACHOS!"

So, pretty much, hanging out my my friends is just another reason for me to tell penis jokes and yell at people.

I think that Turdface and I have been sick for a total of ALL THE DAYS IN MARCH. And, apparently, drinking lots of tea, and then chugging Nyquil isn't doing anything.

We still sick! We are big weenies with diminished immune systems! We are whiny, and complainy, and if I have to listen to myself cough until I gag one more time, I'm going to GET MORE WHINY AND COMPLAINY!

So... Neti pot virginity... Gone! And it went a little like this:

Turdface: Ew, gross! I'm not going to do it!

Me: Yes, you are! You are going to do it!

Turdface: I don't want to!

(repeat until kid breaks)

Turdface: GAH! Feels weird! Feels weird!!

(later)

Turdface: I'm never doing that again!

(later)

Turdface: Hey! I can breathe now! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

Continue reading "We've had it with all these boogers!" »

I wish I knew a voodoo priest or something, because karma doesn't seem to be working on certain persons who have wronged me ... GAH! Where are you voodoo practitioners?!? WHERE!!!?

PS. If you are a voodoo practitioner, and would like to WREAK VENGEANCE on my behalf, please feel free to send EVIL SOUL CRUSHING BAD VIBES. But not to me. Because I'm precious. To, you know, jerks.

Twelve: Yay! I get to drink Guinness tonight.

Me: Is it greeeen?

Twelve: Sure, why not.

Me: I will be drinking Nyquil tonight... Which is also green!

Twelve: Sláinte!