You know... watching Wimbledon and NASCAR, and trekking out to George, Washington to witness the sausage-fest that is a RUSH concert... It all has it's privileges.

Like, you can make boys with really big HDTV's let you come over and make them lose brain cells from watching the two hour premiere of America's Next Top Model tonight! ... Do you feel the joy? Do you feel it?!

Turdface: Hey! Where's my apple fritter?

Me: (Points to belly)

Turdface: No, really. Where is it?

Me: (Rubs belly)

Turdface: Arg! WHERE IS IT!??!

Me: (Points) In mah belly!

(Oven timer dings)

Turdface: MY APPLE FRITTER! (Returns with apple fritter. Gives poor, long-suffering, saint of a mother the stink eye.) What is wrong with you?

Me: I'm too pretty.

So, I picked up Turdface from the airport the other day, and pranced around Baggage Claim saying, "You can't carry that bag all by yourself! You're just a wee girl!" And then he said, "Oh, yeah. I forgot. (Prances)"

And then, later, he suggested that we get matching utilikilts for the first day of school, so that when I stand outside on the first day of class, singing "Sunrise, Sunset", everyone would know that we were related.

1. Inappropriate lunch: Tomato soup

2. Inappropriate drink: Coffee

3. Inappropriate place to walk: Puddle

4. Inappropriate place to sit: Bus